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Opening up The Mediator

March 11, 2019

No Monday meeting today as Johan is starting a new project with a friend of ours for a few weeks. We had it yesterday morning instead. I’m going to share some thoughts with you, my mind is a bit over-worked. Feel free to read, it’s a long text and will hopefully help someone in their personal struggles.

Right now I’m very confused about my different jobs, I think I have to narrow down my tasks, but at the same time I want to widen them, so you see the confusion. Have an itch to find other people in Berlin working with the same things as I do, to share ideas and strategies. I start something new and have to learn everything by trial and error and that takes time, can be a bit frustrating and makes me feel like things are just made up and happen by coincidence, do you know what I mean? I have been blogging for over 20 years now, in Gothenburg I had a bit of a community and here in Berlin I decided to go another way and get to know people less alike myself, because I thought it would be a good thing. It led me into trouble and choosing the wrong friends (a big bunch of narcissists, they tend to love me as I’m a good listener and empath) several times.

Last year I took the 16 personalities test and learned that my personality NEEDS to hang out with like-minded people to work in social settings. Asked my 4 closest friends (includes my husband) to take the test and they are same as me. Have you taken the test? Which personality are you? I’m the Mediator (INFP), apparently my job should be freelancer and blogger, so I chose something right. Writer is also on the list, wouldn’t mind. Close friends have asked me to write a book about my life so far in Berlin, it has a lot of dark stories which I have never shared here. During my depression, a person very close to me, asked me why I don’t write about it on my blog. At that time my blog was quite big and I got a lot of comments which influenced me in a very bad way, so why would I exploit myself to more of those? She asked if I didn’t feel as if I was lying not writing about it. It never felt that way, I shared the difficult moments with my close friends and the beautiful moments on the blog as a reminder to myself that parts of my life still were positive and beautiful. Sometimes I think I hinted that things were shit, but when you’re deep down in almost suicidal depression, it could be super dangerous to put it out there for anyone to read. I can talk about it now, I couldn’t back then and am grateful to myself for not exploiting it at that time. Forever grateful to the friends who were there for me and still are. Thankful for my neighbours above us who checked on me, such super stars.

Hope you’re all well. Love.

Ps. If you’re also the Mediator, this article might be helpful. And if you’re not the Mediator and wonder why your partner/friend, who is a mediator, is acting weird to you (only 4% are Mediators) and want to understand his/her personality better, the article could explain a lot.

Update: If you are, or someone near you is, in a depression and/or have suicidal thoughts, my only advice right now is for you to contact a hospital/doctor/psychiatrist – I don’t have knowledge enough (and no education) to give any other advice, I can only share my own experiences and hope it makes at least someone feel less alone in this. Thanks for understanding.

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43 Comments

  • Reply Malin March 11, 2019 at 4:04 pm

    Massa kärlek till dig, bästa finaste Sandra! ❤

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:20 am

      Tack min fina vän, så glad att jag har dig som kömpis! <3

  • Reply wolfimschafspelz74 March 11, 2019 at 4:26 pm

    Dear Sandra,

    thank you for this! For your honest open words and for the link to the test – took it straight away and trying now to find out more about being an “Architect Personality”.

    🙂

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:21 am

      Cool, such an interesting test, right? I seem to get along well with the architect personality – it seems like a few of my friends are this. Happy discovering!

  • Reply Charlyn March 11, 2019 at 4:49 pm

    Love you Sandra! Thank you so much for sharing. ❤️
    p.s I used to be “Advocate” years ago, but now I’m “Protagonist” (at least still in the green group).
    xoxo

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:25 am

      Hello, green group friend! Sending you lots of love, Berlin and I miss you <3

  • Reply Moos March 11, 2019 at 5:54 pm

    Took the test. Fellow Mediator here. Funny kind we are 🙂 Thanks for blogging Sandra! Love your stories and pictures.

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:26 am

      Hi Moos,
      funny kind for sure, good to know why I confuse people over and over 😉
      Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot!

  • Reply Hila Kokia March 11, 2019 at 6:18 pm

    Just wanted to say it feels like I’ve “known” you for such a long time, have read your blog since the early days and loved your work forever it feels – makes me feel bad to read that reader comments influenced you in a bad way. I have loved your blog and found inspiration in it for a long time. Sending a virtual hug ❤
    Going to take the test now 😉

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:27 am

      Thank you, dear, that’s so kind of you. Happy you still want to come back for a visit 🙂
      I would have never dared to open up about this back in the days, the comments gave me belly ache every day back then. I guess people have learned to behave better online, or I am just lucky.
      What did the test tell you?
      Hugs back right at you <3

  • Reply Christine March 11, 2019 at 6:43 pm

    I have followed your blog for a while and always loved it. I think you could write a wonderful book about Berlin. About you, your journey and the city you live in. You could incorporate your beautiful photography, you are very talented. I think social media platforms have their place but can be very negative, this is because the way they are set up with their algorithms. All I’ve read and listened about Facebook and Instagram leads me to take a step back and just be careful. One does not need to put everything out on the Web, it’s a beautiful place, but can be a negative feedback, dangerous place and one must find the balance. I will still blog and do Instagram, but I’m mindful.
    Wish you the best.
    Christine

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:29 am

      I agree with you so much, Christine. Thank you for following me here.
      It’s very important to keep the balance between what’s personal and what’s private. Also, to choose where to publish what. I feel more “safe” here on the blog where I’m much more in control. This feels like my home much more than my instagram feed does.
      Thanks for commenting,
      sending you love,
      Sandra

  • Reply Julia March 11, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    Thank you for being so honest, Sandra. As the daughter of a psychiatrist (and having had quite a lot of friends suffering from metal health issues through the years), I couldn’t appreciate that last paragraph more. I’m really sorry you’ve gone through such rough times, but I completely respect and admire you being private about it on your blog. I would’ve done just the same.

    PS. I took the test years ago and got INTJ-A. Took it again after reading your post and got the same result, The Architech. Turns out the INTJ women are only the 0,8% of the population… Anyway, we’re basically very similar personalities. I wish we could grab a beer someday!

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:30 am

      Hi, architect! Like I wrote to someone else – a few of my friends are architects as well.
      Would love to have a beer with you, dear! After all those years <3
      Lots of love to you!

  • Reply Inge March 11, 2019 at 9:16 pm

    Thank you, as always, for sharing, Sandra! I really hope you can find that sense of community once again–and what a wonderful thing to really know what it is that you need 🙂
    P.S. have you thought about bringing back the “buy me a coffee” button in your shop? I’d love to treat you to long-distance fika as a token of my appreciation for your great blog (I’ve been reading since 2007 or so, I think?)
    xx Inge

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:31 am

      Dear Inge, thank you for your kind words. Hope you’re doing well. 2007, wow! Thanks for still hanging around 🙂

      Maybe I should bring the coffee option back, thanks for asking!
      Sandra x

  • Reply Sia March 11, 2019 at 9:46 pm

    Dear Sandra, thank you for writing this post. Same here on the (idea of writing and/or illustrating a) book… dark stories.

    I’m (still) an Architect, INTJ-T:
    “…Architects are simultaneously the most starry-eyed idealists and the bitterest of cynics, a seemingly impossible conflict” – true! : )

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:32 am

      Haha that’s a great description!!
      Hugs to you, Sia.

  • Reply Kate March 12, 2019 at 3:17 am

    Thank you for sharing this. I’ve also been struggling to talk/share more about being (really) depressed, because it’s hard to talk about and hard to put that “out there.” Reading your blog – for years! – has been one of the things that usually lifts my mood. It’s so beautiful and observant. But I’m glad you’re able to talk about it. It makes it less scary, to know you’re not alone.

    INTJ, btw 🙂

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:33 am

      Dear Kate, it’s a difficult topic. And a very important topic and nothing to be ashamed of. When you dare to open up about it, you learn that so many people around you feel the same way. Hope you’re doing well,
      Sandra x

  • Reply Kate March 12, 2019 at 5:11 am

    Thank you for sharing! I’m an infj- was typed as and infp in high school because I wanted to seem cool and laid back but now I’m 35 and too old to care! 😘

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:35 am

      Hah, here’s to not caring! x

  • Reply Em March 12, 2019 at 8:43 am

    Just wanted to say thanks Sandra for sharing your thoughts here. I don’t comment often but always appreciate the moments here. I have always felt this space is not like a 1:1 representation of your life but appreciating moments and glimpses of what you see. Appreciate what you share of how you navigate this private, public, space. 20 years blogging! it’s like you are one of the pioneers figuring out what it is to share things in this space that is intimate but not private. best wishes. Also I hope you find the people working on the same things you do – I’m sure they are following your blog or instagram…

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:36 am

      Thank you, Em. Thank you for visiting 🙂
      Fingers crossed I find some people to hook up with and share ideas.
      All the best to you,
      Sandra x

  • Reply Trixi Angermüller March 12, 2019 at 10:39 am

    Dear Sandra, thank you for sharing your thoughts <3 I am not surprised about you beeing the mediator. At least it reminds me of many things you shared with me in the past. By the way, I just took the test and I am the advocat, also not very surprising but I need to think about it for a moment. Really interesting test. Hope you'll find your own little community work-wise – something that I also miss in my everyday work life.

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:37 am

      Trixi, so interesting, right? I’m not surprised you being the advocat either (my mum is as well and you are pretty alike). Aw, wish we lived in the same city and could meet for coffee and share ideas. Gotta come back to Hamburg soon, want to show Johan! Sending you big BBBs.

  • Reply Cinzia March 12, 2019 at 2:13 pm

    Adding my post of thanks to the many! during complicated times, you can feel so deserted by the ‘normal’ world, especially when you’re troubled by something you want to keep private, but for which you crave understanding… at least, that’s a feeling familiar to me. I’m also a ‘Mediator’ – the idea of unconsciously putting up walls resonates with me. I sometimes wish i was a naturally gregarious person, but catch myself feeling the most luxurious when I’m alone…
    Really appreciate your thoughts and admire your style, as always!

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:39 am

      Dear Cinzia,
      hello fellow mediator!
      I so know what you mean about wishing to be more gregarious sometimes (gregarious, new word to me, love it!), I have tried so many times and always lost myself in the end.
      Thank you for your very kind words, they mean a lot <3

  • Reply Blabla March 12, 2019 at 5:14 pm

    Foreigner living in Germany. Same personality, same destiny. I understand you so well. Love your blog and pictures!

  • Reply sonrie March 13, 2019 at 1:08 am

    I’m an INFJ-A Advocate. Less than 1% of the population, from what the reading says. I’ve taken this test several times over the years, since I am a therapist and I’m always curious. Early on in college I was an ENFJ, then moved to I (though I’m right on the line 51/49) several years later. It is a trait of the Advocate to be very private and closed except to closest friends, which really resonates with me. I’m glad you found yourself in the test results as it is always nice to know that we are not alone out there!

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:41 am

      Sonrie,
      the test is so interesting, right?
      Sending you a virtual hug,
      Sandra x

  • Reply T-jenks March 14, 2019 at 5:21 am

    Hi Sandra! Wish you all the best and hope you find what you need at this time. I’ve always felt a strong kinship with the glimpses of your personality that I see on your blog… I took the test and I guess unsurprisingly I am also an INFP. So many things about that personality type resonated with me, but the most unexpected is what you mentioned here about being fascinated/intrigued by “opposite” people and getting into trouble with that. I’ve experienced this exact thing in the last 6-8 months. On the path to recovery!

    Much love!

    • Reply Sandra March 14, 2019 at 9:43 am

      Oh my, sounds like it was rough! Hope you’re recovered soon. Being a mediator, the “opposite people” always tell you how sensitive etc you are and it can be pretty hurtful even though they don’t mean it that way. Don’t know what you’ve been through, I’m just trying to illustrate the difficulties we can experience 🙂
      Sending you lots of love back,
      Sandra

  • Reply Claudia March 14, 2019 at 10:50 pm

    Sandra, reading your blog is like going for a quick visit to Berlin…it‘s so special that you share these pieces of your life with us – it shouldn’t be taken for Grabrede and what you share is totally up to you of-course. I think you and Johann could produce a marvelous magazine style book about Berlin – I‘m sure it would be a best seller. Sending a hug your way, and the request that you bring back the „buy me a coffee“ button too.

    • Reply Claudia March 14, 2019 at 10:53 pm

      I meant ‚taken for granted‘ – stupid autocorrect🙄

    • Reply Sandra March 15, 2019 at 7:35 am

      Thank you for those words, Claudia, they mean a lot <3

  • Reply Mimi March 15, 2019 at 3:54 pm

    Ooof, I know what you mean about the narcissists. I’m a magnet for self-obsessed or narcissistic people, but because this is a lifelong pattern, it’s taken a couple of years in therapy for me to see it fully; I’m honestly still amazed by how all of my closest friends have been “opposites” — not exaggerating, all of them! (I’ve, weirdly and thankfully, always been smarter about what healthy romantic relationships look like; my husband and I are very similar, sort of wobbling between INFP and INFJ/ Mediator and Advocate.)

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through such a stressful time right now. I hope you find some clarity soon — and also some more likeminded friends!

    • Reply Sandra March 16, 2019 at 12:55 pm

      Oh my, I get you so much! Glad you’ve managed to fall in love romantically with a non-narcissist. They are such draining people, been studying a lot of literature about how to avoid narcissists, a problematic subject since they are professionals at being charming in the beginning. All the best to you!

  • Reply Lotte March 17, 2019 at 5:27 pm

    Dear Sandra, thanks for this very honest post. Once in a while I visit your blog, I think I do that for about 6 or 7 years now. I follow you on Insta so sometimes it feels like that you are a friend of a friend, someone you slightly know. I want to say that which choice you will make about writing about your depression and about how much you want to share, that it is up to you. I’ll be here. And I will read it and will think about it. And I will look at the beautiful pictures you post and somehow enjoy my favorite berlin street scenes because you’ve walked there. Anyhow, my english isn’t that good and I hope you understand. You inspire me with your blog, your insta and with the life you live. So take care, and hold the people you love most.

    • Reply Sandra March 17, 2019 at 9:39 pm

      So kind of you to say, Lotte. Thank you for visiting and spreading your positive vibes. Means a lot, sending you a big hug, Sandra x

  • Reply Nancy Smith March 21, 2019 at 12:57 am

    You are such an interesting person and I love checking in with ‘you’ every few weeks. Love the photos. Thank you for sharing so much with your readers. Love from across the ocean….Nancy, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada XO

    • Reply Sandra March 22, 2019 at 1:17 pm

      Dear Nancy, thank you for your kind words – they made me smile. Wish you a lovely weekend, xo

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