No Monday meeting today as Johan is starting a new project with a friend of ours for a few weeks. We had it yesterday morning instead. I’m going to share some thoughts with you, my mind is a bit over-worked. Feel free to read, it’s a long text and will hopefully help someone in their personal struggles.
Right now I’m very confused about my different jobs, I think I have to narrow down my tasks, but at the same time I want to widen them, so you see the confusion. Have an itch to find other people in Berlin working with the same things as I do, to share ideas and strategies. I start something new and have to learn everything by trial and error and that takes time, can be a bit frustrating and makes me feel like things are just made up and happen by coincidence, do you know what I mean? I have been blogging for over 20 years now, in Gothenburg I had a bit of a community and here in Berlin I decided to go another way and get to know people less alike myself, because I thought it would be a good thing. It led me into trouble and choosing the wrong friends (a big bunch of narcissists, they tend to love me as I’m a good listener and empath) several times.
Last year I took the 16 personalities test and learned that my personality NEEDS to hang out with like-minded people to work in social settings. Asked my 4 closest friends (includes my husband) to take the test and they are same as me. Have you taken the test? Which personality are you? I’m the Mediator (INFP), apparently my job should be freelancer and blogger, so I chose something right. Writer is also on the list, wouldn’t mind. Close friends have asked me to write a book about my life so far in Berlin, it has a lot of dark stories which I have never shared here. During my depression, a person very close to me, asked me why I don’t write about it on my blog. At that time my blog was quite big and I got a lot of comments which influenced me in a very bad way, so why would I exploit myself to more of those? She asked if I didn’t feel as if I was lying not writing about it. It never felt that way, I shared the difficult moments with my close friends and the beautiful moments on the blog as a reminder to myself that parts of my life still were positive and beautiful. Sometimes I think I hinted that things were shit, but when you’re deep down in almost suicidal depression, it could be super dangerous to put it out there for anyone to read. I can talk about it now, I couldn’t back then and am grateful to myself for not exploiting it at that time. Forever grateful to the friends who were there for me and still are. Thankful for my neighbours above us who checked on me, such super stars.
Hope you’re all well. Love.
Ps. If you’re also the Mediator, this article might be helpful. And if you’re not the Mediator and wonder why your partner/friend, who is a mediator, is acting weird to you (only 4% are Mediators) and want to understand his/her personality better, the article could explain a lot.
Update: If you are, or someone near you is, in a depression and/or have suicidal thoughts, my only advice right now is for you to contact a hospital/doctor/psychiatrist – I don’t have knowledge enough (and no education) to give any other advice, I can only share my own experiences and hope it makes at least someone feel less alone in this. Thanks for understanding.